37. SELF-REGULATION AND MAINTAINING PRESENCE WITH CONSCIOUS PARENTING EXPERT, SHRUTI KUMAR

Shruti [: 00:00:00

Our children don't trigger us. It's like you have an open wound and somebody touches it, it hurts. Right? It's like that. It's like, you know, probably, you didn't have much of a voice growing up or, you know, you have constantly lived with this belief that, my voice doesn't matter or what I have to say is not important. So when a child kind of interrupts, it feels like it feels like they are, like, attacking you, but that's not the case.

Nicole [: 00:00:25

You're listening to rewild and free. This is the go to podcast for conscious and holistic mother entrepreneurs who are ditching society's to do list for intentional living, freedom and abundance while creating impact and legacy in their home and business. If we haven't met yet, I'm Nicole Pazvir, your lighthearted mom friend and biz bestie wrapped in one. I'm an ex nurse, turned my trustence guide, and business coach leading women just like you into the new paradigm. Where thriving in motherhood is your birth And so is a successful and sustainable online business. Keep listening if you're ready to unsubscribe from patriarchal motherhood, bro marketing, and Boss Babe culture. Because in this space, We use nature as our framework as we move towards feminine embodied business development, cyclical orientation, and slow living. Together, let's be wild and remember as we break free from survival and reconnect to what truly matters.

Nicole [: 00:01:14

Okay, friend. Steep your tea and take the most loving breath you've given to yourself today, and let's go. Welcome to another episode. This is episode 37 on the Rewild and Free podcast. And today, I'm joined by Trudy from Empowered dot Connections on Instagram. And Trudy really helps us simplify what conscious parenting actually means and gives us, really tangible strategies on, things like self regulation and being present and forming really strong connections with our children as well as just some super simple strategies on how to actually give ourselves the self care and tending to that we need. I love this conversation because I think, you know, for myself, and I'm gonna assume for a lot of you listening, we are already on this conscious parenting journey, and we might not even have the language to be able to explain what it is we are doing, but Shruti really helps to actually explain some of that. It was a really validating conversation for me, and I think you are going to enjoy it as well.

Nicole [: 00:02:24

You and I haven't actually had a chance to really connect yet, so I'm really looking forward to this conversation and hearing more about your story and who you are and what you're doing in your corner of the Internet and just your experience into motherhood and entrepreneurship. So, yeah. If you'd like, do you wanna give a quick introduction of yourself and Yeah. Just what you do?

Shruti [: 00:02:45

Yeah. Sure. So hi, Nicole, and everyone who's listening. I'm so excited to be here and share about myself and what I do with all of you. So, so, yes, my name is Shruti, and I am a mom to 2 kids. I have a 6 year old and a 2 year old, and I am a I was a international lawyer, turned into a full time parent coach now. And, I think I switched, but I I changed my career direction during COVID. That's when I kind of leaned into motherhood even more and understood, like, because I'm a lawyer, like, research really excites me.

Shruti [: 00:03:27

So I wanted to understand parenthood more deeply, and I was, like, exploring all these different styles of parenthood. And, I was going through, like, postpartum and, postpartum depression myself. And, I was diagnosed with PTSD when I got pregnant the 2nd time because I didn't process my birth the first time around. So it was I I went through a lot of therapy and inner work, and that's when I realized that there is so much to parenting. And, you know, it's just it's just it's just so hard, and you can never ever be prepared enough. And after I had my son, I decided to, I I experienced some disconnection with my daughter. There was like I mean, things completely changed when I had a 2nd kid, and I really didn't want to lose that connection, and I wasn't liking how I was showing up. So I decided to work with a coach, and then I decided to study in, brain science and emotional regulation and all the amazing things, which I wish I was taught when I was younger or or at school because I think that is what we need to learn.

Shruti [: 00:04:37

Right? And that's that's when I realized that, you know, this is my calling, and this is what I'm really, really passionate about. And that's when I decided to, start my own business and support parents because I knew even while I was struggling that I wasn't the only one struggling with, you know, with big feelings and not knowing what to do and feeling helpless and powerless. And so that's how my journey, as a coach began, and I feel like it's it's a lot of work because, you know, running a business is a lot of work, but it is so rewarding, and I would do this any day because it's like we are raising future leaders. Right? So it is important that we are giving them what they need. Right? Like, we are giving we are being the parents that we can be for them the best version. Of course, perfect parent is never a goal because there is no such thing as a perfect parent. So, my goal is to help parents by offering them awareness and tools and strategies, you know, that are rooted in connection and emotional intelligence and, you know, raise resilient leaders for tomorrow. So that's what I do, and I'm really, proud of of the work I do.

Shruti [: 00:05:53

So, yeah, I'm I'm really excited to be here and, talk to you about this today.

Nicole [: 00:06:01

I love all of that. And I think I mean, you already said it. Like, you're not the only one that have has through that. Right? Like, so many women, so many mothers are experiencing a lot of what you just shared that you had experienced. And so I love that you have kind of been able to take your experience. Learn from it. Actually, study it and and gain certifications in it, and now you're kind of sharing those gifts with with other mothers as their experience, something similar. And something that really struck me is the fact that we are raising, like, tomorrow's generation.

Nicole [: 00:06:37

That's something that sits really, really big in my heart. It's something that I think about often in my own mothering and in my own, like, daily action is

Shruti [: 00:06:48

Mhmm.

Nicole [: 00:06:49

That that this is the future of tomorrow. Right? And that that impact and that, I don't even see it so much as pressure, but more so this great honor that we get to be a part of the generational change, and it's almost like this making of a legacy. Mhmm. So I I love that aspect of it so much. I love the aspect of just generational change and being able to really shift the narrative on just how things look in in this next generation.

Shruti [: 00:07:19

Absolutely. Yeah. And also, like, as a mom of 2 kids myself, like, I I appreciate how overwhelming and exhausting parenthood can be. And, it's it feels like a lot because it is a lot.

Nicole [: 00:07:36

Yeah. Yeah. I often say, like, if it's feeling hard, it's because it is hard. Right? Like, you're you're not making that up, that that weight and that pressure and that, like, feeling of inadequacy that so many women are feeling. It's real and it's valid. And there's obviously so many different moving parts as to why why women are feeling that way and kind of why society is the way that it is, and that could be a whole other conversation. But I I can see how valuable the work you're doing, really is because it it starts with the mother. It starts with the parent, and we can't expect change if if we aren't kind of doing the inner work first.

Nicole [: 00:08:16

So maybe so, like, why don't we actually, before we get into it, I have have been asking everyone that comes on the show what book they're reading or what book you read most recently if you're a reader.

Shruti [: 00:08:28

Yeah. So I, I was reading this book called body keeps score. Wait. I forgot the author. I'm really bad at this. And, I mean, I thought this is gonna be like a light read, but this was like, wow. It blew my mind because it was like, there is so so many signs that our body gives us that, you know, you are exhausted and you need a break, and we keep pushing through because we live in this hustle culture where we we feel like if we are not doing what we need to do, then we're not doing enough. But

Nicole [: 00:09:00

Yeah.

Shruti [: 00:09:02

And that that puts so much pressures pressure on ourselves. Like, I mean, I wake up in the morning and I start my day with a to do list, and I used to feel disappointed at the end of the day if I'm not able to accomplish it, but then that was kind of like taking the joy out of my life. And I was like, no. This this I don't want it to be like this. Yes. It's good to have because I I do the to do list more for myself for, like, a kind of sense of direction of, okay, this is what I need to do today. But then I can't it can't be like a mandatory deadline that you need to. I would like to do x y z, and then I like now I've kind of try to bring in balance by saying, okay.

Shruti [: 00:09:39

What is actually priority in this list? And, you know, is this even realistic with, you know, while running a business, while taking care of your home, and you have all this admin work to do, and then there are 2 kids that you need to take care of and, you know, be there and be present. And so that and there is only so much time. So how can we create value in that time instead of putting pressure on ourselves and then, you know, beating ourselves about it. Right? So it's really, yeah, that is that was one of the one of the big things for me that as moms and because you as you mentioned correctly, the society we live in, the social media comparisons, and so many thing we feel like, oh my god. How is she doing it all? You know? She must be like a supermom. So so it it can all feel, like, really challenging, and you can always feel like you're not enough. You're not doing enough. And, yeah, that is something that a lot of moms that I've worked with also, believe about themselves, and, a lot of them feel that they cannot take up space.

Shruti [: 00:10:45

You know? They have to kind of just be there to fulfill everyone's needs around them, and that's what leaves them drained and burnt out. Right? Like Yeah. It's like this cycle. So yeah. So so yeah. That's what, like, in this book, like, I why I was, like, so blown away was because it it talks about really simple things just like like listening to your body, like noticing what is happening for us, like bringing awareness to how we are feeling. You know, having those quick check ins with ourselves during the day. Like, okay.

Shruti [: 00:11:20

How what am I feeling right now? And, you know, just naming it because that helps us process what's happening. And a lot of the times, we don't even have that 1 minute to sit and connect with ourselves. And so so this book was like, yeah, really amazing. Highly recommend.

Nicole [: 00:11:37

It's actually been on my list for probably close to 2 years now. I was just looking because I think it's on my bookshelf, but I'm not seeing it. I'm pretty sure it's there. But I there's a couple of things that you just shared that I wanna kinda zoom in on. And I think one of them is, like, we we say that we don't have time for, like, that 1 minute of connecting to ourselves. And I think that is such an easy thing to just kinda spit out of our mouths, and we all do it. Right? We say, like, I don't have time for that. I don't have time for that.

Nicole [: 00:12:04

And I think we really need to start switching the the talk. And, like, it's like, well, I'm choosing not to make time for that. And it it comes to priorities. So when you were speaking about your to do list, like, it's not so much about these are the mandatory things I need to get done. Instead, it's almost just this visual for you to start seeing, okay. These are my priorities. This is how I want to spend time in my day. This is where I want to be intentional.

Nicole [: 00:12:30

Mhmm. And I I love that because I think so many women as they enter motherhood, there's this perpetual feeling of never completing anything. Right? There's always laundry to do. There's always toys to pick up. There's always something. There's never that feeling of completing something. And, yeah, it's just like a really It can be a really confronting feeling, I think, for for women and mothers if they've spent a lot of their lives in a more, like, masculine energy and in a more, like, kinda I'm kind of thinking like the corporate world where you're you're working a 9 to 5. You're out of the house.

Nicole [: 00:13:08

You have literal literal tasks that you get to cross off your to do list each day, and you kind of close the computer at 5 o'clock. You come home, and it's Things are just very compartmentalized. Yeah. Motherhood is not like that. Motherhood is not compartmentalized at all. Right? You've kind of named that already that there's just there's always things to do. I would love to hear, I guess, your expertise on how to actually take care of ourselves as a mother. So, like, that self regulation piece and really connecting to ourselves.

Nicole [: 00:13:39

What are your what are your go to strategies for that?

Shruti [: 00:13:42

Yeah. So so first of all, I want all the moms to understand the value that they bring into this world even like, it it it's like it's for all moms, stay at home moms, moms with a business, And, like, whatever mom's going to, jobs 9 to 5, that if if you just pause and think about what would happen if everything that you do needs to be replaced by somebody who provides these services. Like, you hire a cleaner, you hire a nanny, you hire a person to run your business, to do to do, you know, do your, run your social media account to to be the nanny and, you know, cleaning, whatever whatever roles that you do in a day. You all all that you accomplished. If that was to be replaced by somebody else, I think we will be spending a lot of money. Right? So it's because a lot of people feel like I was home all day, but I still didn't get anything done. Right? Because the idea of multitasking is so glorified, especially for women. Right? Like, it's it's it's almost like the expected thing.

Shruti [: 00:14:53

Right? Like and and, like, women who get a lot done are praised by our society. Right? Like I

Nicole [: 00:14:59

was just gonna bring that up that so many women, myself included, have kinda been victimized by just social constructs that have led us to believe that our worth is measured by our productivity. Right? So if we don't get things done, if we were just a potato on the couch all day, then we're not worthy and we're not fill in the blank or whatever, like, negative self talk you might be calling yourself, but it it can get really ugly sometimes because we are so ingrained to believe that our worth is dependent on the completion of that to do list.

Shruti [: 00:15:33

Absolutely. So, and and, like, being a parent comes with its own set of challenges. And parenting can feel extremely relentless because you're kind of stripped of your ability to take care of your own needs and, like, experience sensory overstimulation and exhaustion and have, like, really little space to decompress, little to no space. Because sometimes, like, there are days where I feel like I'm hiding in my bathroom just to just just to, like, just be with nobody needing me for 2 minutes. Right? Like so modern parenthood is hard and relentless because of the constant transitioning, the overpacked schedules, the clutter, the the comparison, and there are so many reasons why, you know, parenting can be hard. And and and if you are somebody who runs runs their own business, that comes with your own, you know, that own set of challenges. Like, I'm not just a coach in my business. I have to do the planning, the strategy, the marketing, the sale, the reaching out, and then the following up, and the networking and the putting yourself out there.

Shruti [: 00:16:34

So it's it's a lot. So sometimes, I experience what we call analysis paralysis. Like, where I have so many decisions to make and I don't know how to decide, so I end up taking no action. Right? Because it's it's it feels like a lot. Right? So or I will do the laundry and the chores and the cooking, and I'll be with the kids. I'll do everything in my power to kind of procrastinate what, you know, whatever need and work I need to put in my business. So it's because it's like I'm I'm avoiding it. Right? So running both running a business and raising kids is hard.

Shruti [: 00:17:10

And when we have a deadly combination of both, we need a new approach. And that I've learned in the last 2 years of doing this that and I think I know, like, a lot of people may roll their eyes if I if I say self care. But I think the first and the most crucial thing to understand here is that taking care of you means taking care of your business. Taking care of you means taking care of your kids. So it all begins with you. And it is very easy to lose yourself while raising kids and while and while running a business because running your own business is also like having another child. Right? So it

Nicole [: 00:17:48

I always like, I I made that joke, but in all seriousness, like it is another baby. Right? Your business is another baby. And I think the the piece around self care really is so important, and I I speak about that a lot. And I'm really passionate about flipping the script on like, self care isn't selfish. It's selfless. Right? Because the more you stay into your own cup exactly. It's a form of sustainability. And Yeah.

Nicole [: 00:18:16

Further than sustainability, it it's really regeneration. Right? It it's literally filling up the cups of other people just by filling your own cup so that you can start serving from a place of overflow, whether it's your kids, whether it's your partner, whether it's your business. Yeah. But if you are continually serving from this place of underflow, then that's not sustainable. That's gonna send you into survival mode and depletion and all the things that, like, we don't actually wanna be be living it. We wanna be thriving. So

Shruti [: 00:18:48

Yeah. Yeah. So that's that's, like, the first step, like because it it is really important to, like, tell ourselves each day that this all will work well if you are well. Yeah.

Nicole [: 00:19:01

It all starts Like filling gas in the car. Right? Like, you can't drive the car without it having gas in it.

Shruti [: 00:19:07

Yeah. And and and, also, like, it's also the idea of self care is also often misunderstood. Right? Like, self care is not only something that is nice to have, but something we cannot do without. It has to so you won't believe, but my things to accomplish list has, also 5 minutes or 10 minutes in a day to myself, and I put that as a priority. Like, this is this is p one. You know? This needs to be done. So it's it's amongst the so I put put things also like pick up kids. Will I you know, can I avoid picking up kids? No.

Shruti [: 00:19:40

Right? I can't just leave them at school then. Okay. See you in a few days. So so I put it along with those activities that this is I need to do this. Right? And then, like and also, like, it's it is something that we have to understand that I have to do this for myself, so I am able to be a present mom and a business owner and show up for both those roles. Right? And I hear this from a lot of moms that we don't have time to engage in self care, and that's that's why I said that self care is often misunderstood. Self care is essentially a ritual that helps you connect with yourself. Okay? It's caring for your mind, your body, and your spirit.

Shruti [: 00:20:19

And while a massage in bubble bath sounds great, it's not something you can do on an everyday basis. And it's really important to create those pockets of time where you're able to fill your cup. Right? It's tired. Right? When you feel touched out and unsupported, you're not going to be able to be present. Right? You cannot handle anyone and handle anyone's big feelings if you are depleted and, like, exhausted at and at the end of your rope. Right? It's that's why self care is essential because so that's why it's priority. Like, it we have to sometimes, I feel like even if I do I'm not able to do that in a day because I have kids all day with me or I have calls back to back, I make it a point to just put the kids in the car and just go drive around the block sometimes if you know, to just and and I put music on that I like, and some days that is self care. So Yeah.

Nicole [: 00:21:25

One, I like how like, you do have to be creative about it. Right? Because it's not about massages and bubble baths. It's about how do you fit this into your life even when life gets crazy. So, yeah, I love your example of of driving around in the car with music on. For me, that often looks like, yeah, like music on in the house, and it's like a dance party or even Yeah. As I'm taking sips of tea, it's like, k. Before I take sips of tea, can I literally just reconnect to my breath, take a couple deep breaths, and then it can be that simple? And I think we we get hung up on, oh, okay. Well, if I have to have self care on my to do list, then it's like, how am I gonna get childcare.

Nicole [: 00:22:00

How am I gonna get someone to watch the kids while I go get a pedicure? Oh, I can't afford that. I can't spend money on myself, and it becomes this, like, long list of I can't I can't have self care. I'm not worthy of self care, and it's like, no. Get creative with your self care and make it so it's Yes. So right now just Really doable every day.

Shruti [: 00:22:19

Exactly. So right now, for example, I'm solo parenting, and there is no point in my day where I can just pass on the torch to my husband and be like, here you go. You have the kids in the house. I'm getting out for a walk. So today, I played hide and seek with my kids and hid behind the curtain and took some deep breaths.

Nicole [: 00:22:35

Love it.

Shruti [: 00:22:35

And I just, like, let them find me because I was like, I need this. I need these 5

Nicole [: 00:22:40

minutes to

Shruti [: 00:22:41

myself. So I'm just going to not say a word until they find me and let them just look all over the house. And for them, it was like, oh, mama is heading somewhere. It's fun. So you are right. We have to get creative about this and, like, you know, find that opportunity. Because if if it's really important to you, you will do it. Right? Like Yeah.

Shruti [: 00:23:03

Will you

Nicole [: 00:23:04

When I wanna I wanna come I wanna come back to that example because what I could see happening for a lot of mothers is they're already doing that, but they're not necessarily being intentional with that time. So they're already playing with their kids. They're already putting music on and having a dance party. They're already playing hide and seek. They're already behind the curtain. But if they're not intentional with that time and actually taking those deep breaths, then it's not actually self care. Right? So the creativity of it is how do you use the time that you're already having the experiences that you're already sharing with your kids and actually sprinkle some some self love into them and some, like, reconnection. So I love that.

Nicole [: 00:23:42

That's a beautiful example.

Shruti [: 00:23:44

Yeah. And, like, a lot of parents, because I feel like moving our body, getting out is really important, and it's not always possible. Like, I live in the Netherlands. There was a storm today. I I mean, the trees were falling. It was just horrible day, and we couldn't get out. So it is important to have the dance party and just move our body. It's great for our nervous system.

Shruti [: 00:24:04

Right? Like, sometimes I feel angry. I'm like just shaking my fingers and, you know, flipping it all out. So so it is important. Like you said, intentionality creates, you know, a positive self care experience, and also we are mindful. We are like, this has to be done. Right? Like, can you just go through your day without cooking a meal for your kids. It's like that important and crucial that it needs to be done, and it is something that you really honor and you're not willing to give up. So yeah.

Shruti [: 00:24:35

So often, like, it it's seen as it's seen as selfish, but, honestly, nothing would. Everything in your household, your kids, your, environment is surviving because cause of you. So if you are not taking care of you, everything will crumble. So and and it's it's the same for business. Right? Like, you're playing so many roles. I don't have a team to do my taxes, my admin, my social media post, or my bookkeeping, or whatever it is that needs to be done. So we have to understand that, first of all, we are worthy. We bring we are doing all of these things, and it can be a lot because it is a lot.

Shruti [: 00:25:18

Right? So, another thing along in the same line as self care would be the importance of planning and time management. So, when I was not intentional about it, I was just getting through my day. I was not able to get much done. But then I I kind of, like, worked it like, okay. This is my child's routine. And now where which part of the day what task can I do? You know? So that's also why that my list the morning list comes in handy because I can see. Okay. Right now, I am just driving to pick up my child from school.

Shruti [: 00:25:55

I can do all the booking dentist appointment and those kind of things in this time. So it's really important that we are intentional about how we spend time. Right? Like and, so when when I I look at the these this list, like, also, like, I'm trying to make sure that I'm not putting a lot of pressure on myself that okay. I got this much done. It's also kind of important to ground in your strengths. Right? Like, otherwise, we'll always keep stressing about what we couldn't do. Right? So it's important to, also notice what is going well because that is we learn from our positive, when somebody acknowledges what we do positive. Right? So sometimes we have to do it for ourselves.

Shruti [: 00:26:37

We have to acknowledge that, hey. You got quite a lot done today, and, you know, tomorrow's a new day. We'll try again. The things that we couldn't do will it's it's on for tomorrow. Right?

Nicole [: 00:26:46

Yeah. I've been implementing what I call a. So at the end of the day, instead of instead of just kind of perseverating on the to do list and all the things I didn't get done, I write out a to do list, and I actually start paying attention and bring my awareness, all the things I did get done. And even if they're really little and things that I don't even feel like took much energy, the longer that list go gets, like, the the better I feel. Right? Because we are still seeking that feeling of accomplishment. And Yes. I think it it takes it takes a lot of work to unlearn some of that conditioning. So, yeah, that's something that I've been implementing that has been really supportive in helping me see some of the things that I need to celebrate, and, like, it's just so easy to miss.

Shruti [: 00:27:31

Yeah. Of course. That that that's a that's a nice one. I'm gonna try that. Yeah. Yeah.

Nicole [: 00:27:37

The end of Yeah. There you go. Exactly. No. It's great. And I think, Yeah. It's just yeah. It's it's a good one to try.

Nicole [: 00:27:45

I had a question, though, for you in terms of time management. Like, I feel like just looking at the different seasons of motherhood. And, I mean, I'm only 2 years in, and I only have 1 child, so I only have my own experience to go off of. But I imagine the the routines and the time blocking that you can kinda set aside for yourself looks a lot different with, like, a school aged kid. And you know you're driving your kid to school at this time. Know, you're picking them up at this time. You can kind of have these, like, set windows of time. What is your advice for mothers who are really in the thick of, like, the newborn toddler season where there's so much unpredictability.

Nicole [: 00:28:25

And Mhmm. You really don't have any like, I'm still I'm still bed sharing with my daughter too, so I'm literally with her 24 hours a day. Yeah. So as

Shruti [: 00:28:39

a as a new mom, like because I also have a 2 year old who just decided to come back sick from day care today. Oh. So you

Nicole [: 00:28:47

still get it. You're still in the thick

Shruti [: 00:28:48

of it. Yes. Yes. Yes. So so it is kind of, so you've seen a notebook. Right? Like, a notebook always has these margins. Right? And we can write a text in the main column, and then we can take notes in the margins. But what happens is that especially in the in the newborn kind of the 0 to before the school age, like 0 to the preschooler age, we need margins.

Shruti [: 00:29:13

Right? Like notebooks also have margins, but our lives are kind of overflowing on the sides, on the pages. And and that's why no wonder, like, we can't handle anymore because there's no more space left. So creating that margin is

Nicole [: 00:29:25

wonder. No wonder. I love this analogy. Yeah.

Shruti [: 00:29:29

Yeah. So it it's like it's like it's really helpful. So your kids will fall sick inevitably, and something will happen that you did not anticipate. And that's why you need those margins because if you're not overloaded, you're not overshadowed, you can manage the situations better when you're running or bursting at seams. Right? Like and and it's one of the most important things is to learn to say no. Right? Like because every time you say no to something, you're saying yes to something else. So it's like, if there's a social gathering on Saturday, and I've had, like, a hard week, do I really need to go for this one or can I I'm just going to say, you know what? I'm not feeling up to it, so thanks. But no thanks.

Shruti [: 00:30:09

You know? And When

Nicole [: 00:30:10

it kinda comes back to that intentionality, right, is being really intentional with where you choose to spend your time knowing that, like, every choice you make is potentially dripping into those margins.

Shruti [: 00:30:23

Yes. Yes. So it's it's like we have to sometimes say yes to downtime. We have to say yes to extra slave to or to being a potato. We we need to create margin for that. Like, okay. You know what? I work Mondays Thursdays. I've had a really, hard 2 weeks because I'm solo parenting.

Shruti [: 00:30:40

So next Thursday, I am not going to do anything because it's So because you know? And this comes from understanding, like, why presence is so important. Right? Like, presence is what it's like it helps us listening to our heart rather than the messages from the world. Right? Because you will always have things to do. It's like you can never say that, oh, you know what? I don't have anything to do today unless you decide that there is nothing to do today. So presence is like that returning point that it's a place that you can always come back to. And when you let go of what doesn't truly matter. You can grasp at what really does. Right? Like, you cannot overhaul your life and and, you know, stop with all your responsibilities as an adult, but you can start with creating those little pockets of time where I push all the distraction away.

Shruti [: 00:31:35

Right? Like, for example, I often talk about connecting with kids. Right? Because often, a lot of people say, yeah, but we are with our kids all day. We are bathing them, feeding them, But those are all your rituals. Right? Like, those are all your routine rituals that need to be done. Right? But connecting with them with just doing something that they enjoy it's also important. Right? So, again, intentionality. So sometimes I just go hands free to my family putting everything else away so so that I can be available. So that's like being, you know, that 5 or 10 minutes completely available to my world, the world that, you know, matters the most to me.

Shruti [: 00:32:14

And, you know, how do I feel then? So it's like, practicing this when we can, not when, like, our days are truly packed. But let's say, I have an easy day. So you know what? Today, I'm gonna try and be present for 5 minutes with my kid and just listen to them ramble about whatever is important to them. You know? Just joining them in their inner world. Right? Like, my my 2 year old sometimes just talks about trains because he really loves trains, and he will sometimes say the same thing over and over. And I'm, like, just there. I'm not just like, okay. Yeah.

Shruti [: 00:32:49

Whatever. I'm just, like, looking at my phone. So it is important to create and not just with your kids, even just with yourself. Okay. You know what? 5 minutes. I am not going to just scroll at social media pointlessly and, you know, just going to just be with myself. And maybe sometimes I put a guided meditation on to, you know, guide me through whatever I'm thinking or whatever is coming up for me to just understand that. So it's really important to take those breaks through your day even if it is like a quick check-in with yourself.

Shruti [: 00:33:21

Okay. Hey. You got x y z done. How are you feeling right now? And, you know, you still have 4 more hours to go, and these things to accomplish looks like you'll be able to do it. So, I mean, some days, I feel like I'm an insane person talking to myself, but I feel like that's important. Because when I when I create that awareness of what's happening for me and I name it, I'm able to process it, and I'm able to move forward. It's not like life is kinda just happening to me. I am kind of, you know, living while it's happening.

Nicole [: 00:33:52

Yeah. So it's important. It gives back that sense of control too. Right? Like, when you start realizing, wait. I am actually aware of what's going on, and I have control over the next action I take.

Shruti [: 00:34:03

I think that's

Nicole [: 00:34:04

an a big piece to it. Right? As we can kind of start running on autopilot and not even not even being aware of what we're doing because we're doing the same thing over and over and over again. And sometimes those tasks can get really boring and feel mundane. But, yeah, as soon as you really drop back into the present, open up your senses, really, like, open up your awareness.

Shruti [: 00:34:25

Mhmm. Yeah. Mhmm. I love that you brought that up. So so that's also why, like, open up your senses. That's a very good one because it's really like, a lot of us kind of live with a really compromised nervous system, so it's also, like, really important even if it's, like, just standing in your backyard for 2 minutes in whatever state you're in to just, like, take a few deep breaths. Because, you know, when you're outside in the nature, that's the only time all of your sense organs are engaged. And just a change of scene.

Shruti [: 00:34:58

Like, for example, if your kids are screaming while they're cooking dinner, it can feel really overstimulating. Right? Like, you're trying to get chop this one thing and your child is at your feet, like, pulling your pants and saying, mama, mama, mama. It can feel like a lot. But That's why, like, sometimes I just take my kids, stand in the backyard, and they're just like running wild and screaming because that kind of changes our perception of that sound when we step outside, that same sound doesn't feel as much as bothering as, you know, it would feel inside. So it's also kind of important to listen. Okay. You know what? This feels like a lot. Let's just drop this off, turn the gas off, and we all get out.

Shruti [: 00:35:38

Because it's important. And after 5 minutes, we come back in and, you know, we go back into doing whatever we are doing. So it's really important to, if I or I could just push through it and try to, you know, finish that, whatever I'm chopping and, you know, snap at my kid at the end of it. Right? Like so it's really, important to be attuned to what we are feeling, what we are thinking, how we are perceiving the world around us. Right? Like and and I think that's also a way we can build emotional intelligence in our kids. Right? Like, when we and and it's important to be really authentic, you know, with even with our children, like, I'm I'm sure, like, I at least I come from a house where my parents did not want to show me the hard things that they went through. So, but that leaves me with no idea what to do when I go through hard things. Right?

Nicole [: 00:36:35

Yeah. Exactly. Has it been modeled to us.

Shruti [: 00:36:38

Yes. So it's really important to be authentic about it. And sometimes I, tell my daughter that, you know what? Today, I am not feeling 100%. Today, I'm like at a 20%. So, you know, if you see something a little off or I'm not as cheerful, it's it's not anything to do with you. It's just I have a lot going on right now. Right? Like, so I I of course, I'll explain it in a age appropriate way to a 6 year old and a 2 year old. It's not like burdening them with, you know, oh, you know what? You have to take care of my feelings now.

Shruti [: 00:37:09

It's it's more like it's more like, you know, because then they do notice when things are not, 100% okay. So it's important that we are authentic and we are, like, able to own it because children also, especially younger kids, they, they kind of are at a very egocentric stage of development where anything that goes wrong in their environment, they kind of feel it's because of them.

Nicole [: 00:37:35

So They, like, internalize it.

Shruti [: 00:37:37

Yeah. So, like, the other day, I was having an argument with my 6 year old, and my 2 year old was watching us argue, and I I think I screamed at my daughter. And he he turned looked at me and he said, are you mad at me? I'm scared. And that was like that stopped me right in my tracks, and I was like, oh, no. I'm so sorry that came out wrong. It's got nothing to do with you. You're fine. I got angry, and I need to do a better job handling, how I communicate.

Shruti [: 00:38:04

Right? So it is like yeah. So it was it was like a wake up call to understand that we have to be mindful about what we are modeling for our kids. So and and self care was also something that we need to model. Otherwise, they are also going to grow up and feel like they just need to take care of everyone's needs and, you know, they come last. So it's really important to Yeah. So first of all, yeah, know your words. You you are invaluable. Your house won't function without you.

Shruti [: 00:38:40

And, yes, like, prioritize that, you know, yourself because it it all begins with you. So and, like, practicing presence because that is that is something that so many of us don't do. We are, like, just kinda getting through the day, like wake up in the morning, go to work, come back, eat dinner, and go to sleep. It's like yeah. As you said, the word is intentionality. It's really important to be, intentional about how we wanna show up in our business and also in our capacity as a parent.

Nicole [: 00:39:15

I think, you said something around, like, multitasking, and I think so many of us have been praised for so long for our multitasking asking abilities. And that has really done a disservice to how we shop as mothers because it's it's pulling our attention in so many different areas, so we never are present on one thing. And coming back to your example of, like, preparing supper and chopping something in the kitchen and you have that toddler at your leg pulling on your pants. It's like if you can just pull yourself away from from chopping in the kitchen and be fully present with your toddler for that one second. Like, that is likely all they actually need from you, and then you could go back to chopping. But if you continue to try to be in more than 1 place at once. Now neither neither thing, the the onion you're chopping or the toddler at your leg isn't getting your attention. So, Yeah.

Nicole [: 00:40:06

I just love kind of that reorientation to how important presence truly is and not just presence with ourselves and our body, but presence with whatever we are doing, whoever we are with.

Shruti [: 00:40:19

Yeah. That is true. And, also, like, what comes up in, our way of practicing presence is our triggers. And a lot of us don't know what our triggers are. Right? Like and and there are a lot of common triggers that a lot of moms identified with, like, being constantly interrupted and, you know, the sound, the clutter, the no peace in the environment, and, you know, it's kind of being run by everyone else. Right? Like, before we were parents. We could just go to bed whenever we wanted. If we could just say, you know what? I'm not feeling very well.

Shruti [: 00:40:53

I'm just gonna lie down. That's not an option anymore. So, it it it it is it feels like, we feel triggered. So it's all that's why that feelings check-in is really important to do with ourselves. Like, what is happening for me? Why do I feel so annoyed right now? Right? Like, sometimes I am picking up everyone's trash, And I'm, like, passing really passive aggressive statements like, nobody helps me around the house, and I have to do it all by myself. Right? Like, it's a really common one that a lot of moms go through. And it's it's really important to understand that okay. I am feeling really triggered right now.

Shruti [: 00:41:34

What is happening? Right? And then identifying the feeling, and then naming that feeling, and then identifying what am I needing right now? Maybe I'm needing some extra support. Okay. How can I communicate it to my partner or to my kids in a way that invites cooperation instead of attacks them? Right? So it comes it it's like, you know, emotional intelligence is also like a process, right, where you first identify your own feeling and how you're perceiving things around you right now. And then understanding, you know, use that information to kind of guide your thinking and then regulating self regulation. Right? Like, okay. I am feeling triggered. So what helps me calm down? I'm gonna go drink a glass of water, or I'm going to just walk around the house without talking to anyone right now, because I know right now if I say anything, it's not gonna be nice. So, so being aware aware of ourselves and constantly also reflecting on, okay.

Shruti [: 00:42:37

I'm not feeling good right now. Right? Like, So my daughter is sick. I gave her medicine today, and she spat it. And I was like like, I was shocked because I did not expect that. Right?

Nicole [: 00:42:51

So I

Shruti [: 00:42:51

was like, why would you do that? And then I then she said, because it's very bitter. So then before reacting to her and giving her logic that, yeah. But that's how medicine is. Just just suck it up and drink it. I I had to be like, okay. Okay, tune in tune in. Yeah. That was really bitter.

Shruti [: 00:43:11

I know. I can imagine sometimes medicines don't feel gummy, and you know what? You still have to take them because I want you to feel better. So, you know, coming from that place of empathy. And while we do that for others, sometimes we don't do that for ourselves. So we immediately go into guilt. Right? Like, so when my son told me that, are you mad at me? Even though it was like a dialogue between me and my daughter, I was, like, so guilty that, oh my god. I let a 2 year old witness this back and forth, and, like, now he thinks it's all his fault. You know? So I was overcome with guilt, but I had to really remind myself.

Shruti [: 00:43:50

Okay. You know what? You're a good mom having a hard moment. So a lot of us kind of lose that perspective. Right? We go into that, oh my god. I'm messing up my kids. And it's really important to, pause that, you know, 2 things are true. You know? What I said is not nice. Sure.

Shruti [: 00:44:10

And I'm still not a bad mom. I'm just really triggered right now, on, I need to find a way to, you know, do better. So, and then, of course, comes repair. But, of course, that it all begins with self compassion. Right? Like, our ability to give compassion to others begins with our ability to give compassion to ourselves. Right? So it's it's yeah. So it's really important to offer ourselves also that grace that you are not going to have it together at at all times.

Nicole [: 00:44:41

So Yeah.

Shruti [: 00:44:42

Being being present, being mindful is amazing, but you are still going to get triggered. So that's why it's important to identify what those triggers are because if you have no idea what triggers you, you don't know what to manage. Right? Like so for me, sound is a big one. So when, like, I have the exhaust running in the kitchen and I'm using the blender and the kids are screaming and talking to Alexa. It's like a lot of sensory input that my mind is not able to process. Right? So, I mean, god bless, noise canceling headphones. So now I kinda put 1 in.

Nicole [: 00:45:18

Kind of Yeah.

Shruti [: 00:45:19

Block the noise a little so that I can still hear them in case they get into fight, like, in a safe way, but it's important to kind of, yeah, like, find ways to help yourself not lose it. Right? Like so I could manage that trigger only because I knew that, hey. This triggers me, so let me do this. Yeah. Instead of because I can I we all as parents, it's important to kind of count on your kids to be kids? Right? Like, you cannot expect them to be quiet and not fidgety and not, running around the place. That is going to happen because they are designed to move and they are designed to do whatever they are doing. They're not here to annoy you. So it's important to kind of, understand that they are just kids.

Shruti [: 00:46:07

They are doing what they're meant to do. Here is what I can do. You know? So that awareness of, okay, this triggers me. You know? Being interrupted triggers me. Why does it trigger me? Like, really going deep into that because it feels like, you know, what I'm saying is not important. Every time I'm talking and somebody's talking over me and not listening to me, it feels like, you know, I can't even finish a sentence without being interrupted. So it feels very triggering. And next time the child asks you something, you're like snapping at them.

Shruti [: 00:46:39

Right? It's it's not because you want to. It's because there's a deeper wound. So our children don't trigger us. It's it's it's like, you know, it's like you have an open wound and somebody touches it, it hurts. Right? It's like that. It's like, you know, probably, you didn't have much of a voice growing up or, you know you know, you have constantly lived with this belief that, my voice doesn't matter or what I have to say is not important. So when a child kind of interrupts, it feels like it feels like they are, like, attacking you, but that's not the case. So it that's why it's, like, really important to reflect that, okay, this is extremely triggering for me, but these are kids who are lacking skills.

Shruti [: 00:47:23

So how can I teach them? So I next time I teach my kids that, you know what? When I'm gonna talk, I'm gonna put my hand up, and until my hand is up, I'm still talking. And when I put my hand down, I'm done, and then you can share what you have to share. So it's because they they they don't have a lot of these skills. Right? Like, they just come into this world with a whole bunch of emotions and feelings with 0 skills to manage them and 0, like, lack of impulse control and all of that. And it's it's really on us to kind of support them through that and, like, teach them those skills and give them opportunity to practice it. So next time my daughter interrupts me, I say, uh-uh My hand is still up. And, like, I'm doing it gently. I'm not saying, can you let me finish my sentence? Like so it's so yes.

Shruti [: 00:48:09

So awareness of our triggers, understanding our triggers can also help us become more present. Because, if we are triggered, we cannot be present. We are you know, then we are hurting, and we are, just wanting to teach somebody a lesson or lashing out or slamming doors. So it's yeah. So so it's very important to tune into what is happening for us. As I said, everything begins with us.

Nicole [: 00:48:39

Yeah. I always say that becoming a mom was really a huge catalyst into my own personal discovery. And I think what you just shared really helps me understand why. It's because you are met with all these triggers. And it's not that your kids are triggering you. It's that you have these these wounds that are now getting retouched. So Yes. It's an invitation to actually start tending to those wounds and start, yeah, like, working through that healing process.

Nicole [: 00:49:08

And it's it's a really beautiful experience if you choose to accept it that way. Yeah. So, yeah, I the other thing that was coming up for me as you were speaking is, like, in the conscious parenting world, there's a lot of talk about rupture and repair. And I think we can we can walk away from those ruptures with so much mom guilt, so we can walk away thinking, oh, I just wasn't the mom I wanted to be today. But the thing is is, like, we can't have repair without rupture. So we do need those ruptures in order to actually experience that repair and model it to our kids. So I'm glad you kind of brought in a piece of too. Do you want to expand a little bit on conscious parenting? We haven't we I don't think we've actually used that language yet, but I know I identify I think I identify as a as a conscious mother, and I believe you have some certifications in in conscious parenting.

Nicole [: 00:50:03

So maybe why don't we dumb it down? Like, what what is the definition of conscious parenting?

Shruti [: 00:50:10

So conscious parenting, according to me, it's not a definite

Nicole [: 00:50:14

Your definition. That's all I want. I only want your that's the only one that matters.

Shruti [: 00:50:18

So it's it's kind of rooted in, attachment in connection and in, empowerment. So it's like we are not in the traditional parenting where we are kind of, you know, I'm the parent. You're the child. I say you do. I have

Nicole [: 00:50:35

to. Yeah.

Shruti [: 00:50:36

Yes. Yes. So it's not it's not like that. It's it's more like, I understand that every human, including every child, has come into this world with some basic needs like wanting connection, wanting control, wanting autonomy. Right? So, you know, wanting that feeling of belonging. So all of these are, needs, and behavior essentially is communication of a met or an unmet need? So, for example, you have a you said you have a 2 year old. Right? Like so when your 2 year old is, hasn't had her nap or is feeling sick or is teething or is going through a developmental milestone. They are a bit more grumpy.

Shruti [: 00:51:20

They are a bit more clingy. They are a bit more needy. Right? Because they are going through something and they don't know how to, you know, take care of themselves. Right? So they depend on you. But at the same time, if your child has had an amazing time playing with you and, you know, there have been lot of giggles and they have eaten their meal. They are a completely different child. They are not as clingy. They're not, so so we, in in the conscious parenting world, we just view behaviors as communication.

Shruti [: 00:51:52

Like, we are not judging the behavior by just what is happening, but we are kind of looking under the iceberg of what is causing this behavior. So, so as I said, it's rooted in attachment. It's it's, you know, you're more tuned into what your child is feeling and needing. And, you yeah. It's like, you know, you are you are like, you know, you are what is the word for this? You are an investigator, and you have to truly, like, get to the bottom of what is happening for my child. For example, when I had my 2nd kid, my 4 year old daughter would go and lie down in his play mat. And she went through this regression, and she would have more peeing accidents. And I was like, she was potty trained 2 years ago.

Shruti [: 00:52:39

Why is this happening? Right? Because a lot of us feel like once a child can talk and, you know, walk and they can do all these things on their own, they have fully developed brains, but they don't. Their upstairs brain, like, which is the executive functioning that is still developing, and it will take a while to develop. It develops through the 1st 25 years of our lives, so they are still lacking a lot of the skills. Right? So it is basically, understanding where my child is at developmentally. Are my expectations from my child age appropriate? Right? So conscious pending comes with all of that. Like, how am I communicating with my child? Right? Like, today, my son told my daughter that, Rastika, you're getting on my nerves. He couldn't even say nerves. He said nose.

Shruti [: 00:53:28

You're getting on my nose. And then I realized that, oh my god. I say say that sometimes to her, and he's just, like, repeating it. So modeling is a big one because, so the traditional parenting is, like, do as I say, not not do as I do. Right? Like but but Mhmm. This is like the kid, like, you know, is basically around you and is absorbing everything like a sponge. So it's important to kind of, reflect on what you're modeling. Right? Like, you can't expect a child to like, anything.

Shruti [: 00:54:01

Right? Like, how I handle big emotions. How do I repair if I've caused hurt? Right? Like, we can tell my I can force an apology out of my daughter and say, you have to say sorry to your brother, or I can actually model it for her. Right? Like, by doing that and and only when we are able to do this with them regularly, that's when it becomes a part of them. And so that is why it it's like it's rooted in connection because if there is no connection, they don't really have a reason to follow your lead. Right? So you are still the parent and you still have the power, but you are more from coming from a place of guiding and needing somebody instead of this is how it it is going to be because I am the parent and I decided. So it's like that. And, and, of course, boundaries are also super important because they are kids in the end, and they are not gonna always make good Tushin. So it's really important to understand what your boundaries are.

Shruti [: 00:55:01

But the the bound when I say boundaries, it it's not something that you just randomly say that I don't like it, so you don't do it. Right? It is important to truly reflect why is this a boundary for me. A boundary is a boundary when it's rooted in personal value. Right? So, for example, the other day, I called my daughter for dinner downstairs, and she was like, no. I'm playing right now. Right? So I felt like, no. But we always eat dinner together. And she's like, so what? Like, can we not eat dinner together? What would happen? Right? So it's a fair question.

Shruti [: 00:55:31

She's just trying to pass.

Nicole [: 00:55:32

A fair question.

Shruti [: 00:55:34

Yeah. So then I had to think about it. Like, why is it a boundary? So I understood that, okay, this is the only time of the day where we are all together, and we have time to kind of catch up with each other on what how your day was and so it it is rooted in in my personal value, which is connection. Right? So I just want all my family to be together. So instead of saying that, no. You have to come down. I kind of go upstairs.

Nicole [: 00:56:00

Said so. Yeah.

Shruti [: 00:56:02

I kind of go upstairs, and I tell her what are you up to? And she's like, I'm making dinner for my kids. I said, okay. Let's finish cooking for your kids, and then we can walk together downstairs. So then she also wants to come down with me because she knows that I acknowledge that she is doing something, and I'm not just forcing her to do what I need to do. Right? So so yes. So it's it was an elaborate answer. So conscious parenting is essentially attachment parenting where your connection is the most important, you know, energy that you share with your child, and it comes before anything else. And Mhmm.

Shruti [: 00:56:41

You're just conscious about, how your child like, you see your child for the person they are. Like, you respect them for the person they are, and you're not just saying that, yeah, they're tiny and it doesn't matter. Right? Like, their their big feelings are also important. Like, a lot of parents, like, when their kids have nightmare, they tell them, yeah. That's okay. It was only a dream. It's not real. But for them, it felt real.

Shruti [: 00:57:04

Right? So it's important to kind of tune into, oh my god. Okay. That must have been really scary, And you are safe. You know? A lot of the time, we're, like, into the we're right there to fix things. Right? Like, if if my daughter stubs her toe and I say, and, you know, I say, you know, you're okay. You're okay. But wait. How do you get to decide if she's okay? Right? Like, Yeah.

Nicole [: 00:57:28

I mean, if I I

Shruti [: 00:57:29

I just, like, think about it this way. Like, if an adult did that, if they stubbed the door, would I be like, you're okay?

Nicole [: 00:57:35

You're okay. Completely dismiss

Shruti [: 00:57:37

like, the only yeah. So the only appropriate response is, ouch. Did that hurt? Are you okay? Like, you can ask. Are you okay? Instead of telling them you're okay. So it's really being mindful about how we communicate and, you know, understanding that behavior is essentially communication and why is this why is my child showing up this way right now? What is going on meant for them? Or, you know, why are they so happy right now? Because they had an amazing day. They got ice cream for lunch. So yeah. So yes.

Shruti [: 00:58:09

So conscious parenting is, I think, it's it's like a way of life that you choose, and it's it it sounds all, like, so wonderful, but it's really hard because, yeah, because you have your own triggers and sometimes, your own childhood comes up. Right? Like, there are so many times when, my daughter would say something, and I'd be like, how ungrateful. Right? Because that's probably how my parents will respond, but it's got nothing to do with gratitude. It's that she can just even if you give her everything in the world, she can still feel bad about something. It's not like just because you took her to the park and you got her a nice dream, she's supposed to have a perfectly amazing day. It's like how so all these things, like, when they talk back, even if they have like, the dinner thing. Right? Why do I need to eat with you? Probably if I ask that question, my mom would say, because I said so. Come and eat dinner.

Shruti [: 00:59:07

Otherwise, no dinner for you. Right? Like Yeah. So Yeah. But so it's it's really important to not, like and and it takes a lot of work because my 1st initial reaction is like, oh my god. How disrespectful. I'm just asking her to eat dinner. Why can't she just come down and eat dinner? Right? Why do I have to explain this to her? So it's it is hard because you are constantly challenging or and, breaking cycles. Right? Like, okay.

Nicole [: 00:59:33

Well, and I can see, like, just with that example, that specific example, if if your daughter is kind of challenging you on that, I could see how if we're going back to the wound analogy, that's poking at an old wound of you feeling unheard and you feeling disrespected. And it's like, it's not actually your daughter that's triggering you.

Shruti [: 00:59:52

It's Yeah.

Nicole [: 00:59:53

That gold wound of feeling unheard. So

Shruti [: 00:59:55

Yeah.

Nicole [: 00:59:55

Yeah. Though all of your examples have been so helpful, and also just shows how, like, real you are and your authenticity in motherhood. So thank you for those examples. I was and and that answer, it was long, but it was beautiful because it really just solidified the importance of both presence and being intentional. So it really just, yeah, like, circled around our entire conversation so far, which is really cool. I'm curious. I feel like there's a misconception in conscious parenting around discipline and how we can't, like, get mad at our kids. And I'm I'm I feel like I'm even struggling with this as I'm entering the quote, unquote terrible twos, and my daughter is very developmentally, normally testing her boundaries as she should, and she hates being told no.

Nicole [: 01:00:47

She hates being told she can't do something because in her mind, she's just trying to explore. And so I'm constantly I I am very conscious around the language I use, and I I'm guessing your answer is gonna be something along the lines of just really being present and intentional and tuning into what they're doing and then giving that explanation. But I guess, like, my question is, like, how how does discipline traditionally work in the conscious parenting world? Because it's not like traditional parenting world where you are an authority figure and you can just, like,

Shruti [: 01:01:23

yeah, threaten or bribe the child.

Nicole [: 01:01:25

Yeah. We don't we don't do that. Right? So, like, how how does discipline work? I I need the mom advice as I mentioned. Because I'm entering these terrible twos.

Shruti [: 01:01:34

So discipline works with, first of all, modeling the behavior we want to see and, then communicating that for example, like, let's say your daughter runs on the middle of the street where cars are coming.

Nicole [: 01:01:48

A perfect example because that is my real life right now.

Shruti [: 01:01:52

Yes. So you're not going to let her do it. Right? Because so instead of, you know, of course, you're gonna go grab the child. You're not going to, because in that moment, they're not making a good decision, and your boundary is coming from your value of safety. Right? So we are going to model it. We're going to say that, like, before we leave the house that we are going out right now, and we are gonna be walking on the footpath and hold mommy's hand. Right? And if you're having a hard time holding mommy's hand, I'm gonna have to put you in the stroller. Right? So that's like a fair moment.

Nicole [: 01:02:26

Setting the boundaries before it happens.

Shruti [: 01:02:28

And and prepping them in advance that this is what, we are going to do. And we can do this in playful ways. Like, you can just grab 2 Lego characters and say they are going out, and they're going on the road. Oh, no. A car is coming. And, you know, and then you can say that food path is for people, and the road is for the cars. So the it's it's like it yeah. Like you said, about self care, getting creative, it's like the kids also.

Shruti [: 01:02:53

It's it's just that. Like, you can play the red light, green light game. Like, you know, when I say green light, you go. And when I say red, you stop. Right? So that also kind of teaches them impulse control. So, like, we can do this in multiple ways. We can read books about it. We can have dialogue about it.

Shruti [: 01:03:13

We can model it. We can teach them playfully. We can play a game that, you know, at home, you can use those painter tapes to create footpath, and you can say, let's walk on this today because there are gonna be cars on the road. So you can do that with with toys and because play is the way to get through kids, especially that young. Because, obviously, how you perceive safety, she doesn't. Right? She thinks, like, world is my I'm Playground.

Nicole [: 01:03:40

Right? The world is her playground.

Shruti [: 01:03:42

Yeah. And I'm gonna have my adventure today, and then there is this person who's stopping me. So, of course, she's not going to like it. And that's when we hold space for the disappointment that, hey. I get it that you're really upset that I didn't let you run on the road, but it's my job to keep you safe. You know? So we are, yeah, making room for a lot of those disappointments. Like, of course, if my son wakes up and says that I want candy for breakfast, and my answer is no. I'm going to probably grant his wishes.

Shruti [: 01:04:15

I mean, I'm gonna hear his feelings that, yeah, wouldn't it be amazing if we could just eat candy all day? And let's eat breakfast now. So I am hearing him, and I'm saying no without really saying no. So, Yeah. So so so, of course, like, boundaries are important, but the thing with boundaries is that we feel the need to be, to deliver it or say it in a very strict tone for it to have an impact. But I believe that even if you do it compassionately, it's going to land.

Nicole [: 01:04:47

Yeah. Because When I I mean, I my experience has proven that. Yeah. Like, if I am really down at her level, and I'm playing, and I'm just, like, talking to her with compassion. She's a lot more receptive to that than if I'm yelling at her or barking orders. And I think the other thing and and from what I'm hearing you share is, like, a big piece of it is almost overexplaining, which can feel really unnatural because all we wanna do is we're we're always on this, like, time schedule. Right? And so we Yeah. We wanna just spit out the direction as quick as possible, and we wanna move on to next thing on our to do list because it comes back to that to do list that we're trying to accomplish.

Nicole [: 01:05:26

Right? So and it it's really like, no. Can you can you slow down? Can you be present? Can you connect and really explain? Which feels like overexplaining to a 2 year old, but overexplain what's going on so that they can understand it. I love

Shruti [: 01:05:39

that. Because with 2 year olds, like, what works is repetition and, like, playing that scene over and over. So it kind of, like, gets in their heads that, okay. This is what we do. And, like, what you said is really important, but it's also important to kind of really tune into where they are developmentally. Right? Like, at 2, they kind of want to be independent and do things on their own. So, like, my son went through this phase. Going on 16.

Shruti [: 01:06:03

Yeah. Yeah. He wants to put his shoes on on his own, but he doesn't know how to yet. And some mornings, it would set me back by 15 minutes. Right? But what that's that's where the conscious parenting comes into play because, okay, I realized 2 days I've let this happen. I tell myself, he is learning the skill, And rushing him is not going to help. It's gonna create make this process longer because he's gonna then have big feelings, and then you're gonna take 15 minutes to calm him down. So you're gonna set an alarm and wake up 15 minutes earlier tomorrow.

Nicole [: 01:06:36

So it's kinda coming back to this. Making sure there's margins. Right? Making margins on the page. So creating that space.

Shruti [: 01:06:43

Yes. Or sometimes I feel yeah. So when I these days, what I do is, especially because I'm solo parenting, and I if my daughter needs to go to school, my son needs to come along. I can't just leave him at home. Right? So I bring them both down, and while I'm getting breakfast ready, I give him his shoes. Okay. You know what? You can register

Nicole [: 01:07:00

with it. Now. Yeah. That's actually really smart.

Shruti [: 01:07:03

So easy. Gonna take on. Yeah. Because I need to understand that, okay, he is learning a skill. It's frustrating for me to watch because I know I can do this in 2 minutes. So, again, I can understand that this is triggering because if I did this as kid, my dad will be like, hurry up. We gotta go. Right? Like so it is again coming back to yeah.

Shruti [: 01:07:23

Like, this why is this triggering for you, and what can you tell yourself? Right? Like, in that moment, the healthy thing I tell myself is, my child is learning a skill. He wants to do things on his own. This is a developmental milestone, and, you know, I'm gonna have to let him go through it. Right? This is not his fault that his sister needs to go to school. He has all the time in the day. Right? Yeah. So it's kind just like, telling yourself that kind of helps you not rush the kid. Right? So and also then you have to get creative about, okay.

Shruti [: 01:07:53

What can I do? How can I meet his need and also meet my need to be on time? Because I value, you know, punctuality, and I want to be at her school on time. Right? So instead of saying you are getting this late and you, we need to leave right now. It's like so unnecessary and, like, uncalled for. It's like a, undesirable power struggle. Of course, some days, we will have those also because you cannot plan for everything in advance. And those for those days, we have repair. We can just say, I'm so sorry. I couldn't let you do your shoes on your own today, and I had to put them on for you because we needed to go.

Shruti [: 01:08:31

So it's that kind of at least you know? But now we are home. Here you go. You can practice putting your shoes on. So we can, be mindful of what their needs are and, also, like, hold boundaries when we need to. And, of course, work on our triggers. Yes.

Nicole [: 01:08:50

Yeah. I love all that. And I'm just I'm thinking about how so many women I work with and myself included, because we are building our own businesses and we we technically are stay at home moms for for many of us,

Shruti [: 01:09:05

Mhmm.

Nicole [: 01:09:07

A common not complaint, but, I guess, a a common struggle that many women I see face is kind of going through the day, and then at end of the day, having that guilt of, like, I just wasn't present with my kid. So even though I was home all day, I just wasn't present with my kid. And I'm curious if you have your own strategies of how you really prioritize that intentionality of being present even though we are I mean, we

Shruti [: 01:09:41

haven't been able

Nicole [: 01:09:41

to talk about all of this, but I guess I'm asking more in the context of entrepreneurship when you have all these things to be doing and you're constantly thinking about the next email you need to write or the next social media content you're creating. And, like, so how do you I mean, I guess an example is, like, I I do a lot from my phone. Right? Like, I can create social media content on my phone. I post on Instagram on my phone. I show up on stories on my phone, and I'll have my daughter next to me. And even though we're in the same room, I'm not actually present with her. So it's very easy to to look back on the day and be like, oh, shoot. I wasn't actually present even though we spent all day together.

Shruti [: 01:10:20

So yes. So, I think guilt can be a a starting point to kind of turn things around as well. So guilt is not, like, usually all bad unless you go into that, oh my god. I'm the worst parent ever zone. So you can say, like, let's say I I mean, I do have days like that also, and I feel I do feel guilty. And I write down like, I you like, journaling helps me. So I kind of write down my thoughts about what kept me from being present today. Right? Like, okay, I have

Nicole [: 01:10:54

to shifting your awareness and starting to almost magnify what was it that was pulling your attention away.

Shruti [: 01:11:02

And then I also make another column of, is there anything I could have done differently? And what can I do to solve this problem I had today, I felt like I didn't connect enough with my kids? Is there a moment tomorrow in the day where I can do this and maybe make up for today. Right? So, again, like, it comes down to asking yourself the question, what is the most important thing right now? Right? Like, sometimes, yes, we do feel like, yeah. Yeah. It's fine. They're they're they're displaying on their own, so, you know, let me kinda do my own thing. So we do that. But then, maybe I can plan a moment in the day where we are going to connect. Right? Like, for example, when my daughter comes back from school, I'm just gonna put my phone away for 10 minutes.

Shruti [: 01:11:48

The emails can wait, and I'm gonna just talk to her, make a snack, and eat eat a snack with her. Or, you know, if it's for with my 2 year old, I'm just gonna go to a park without my phone today. Don't need pictures.

Nicole [: 01:12:02

Don't do anything cute because I don't have my phone. Yeah.

Shruti [: 01:12:06

Yeah. Or or put your phone on airplane mode, even that works. Yeah. But but what I mean is, like, I'm gonna put this off for 10 minutes. So, like, being in touch. Okay? Just choose a random time that tomorrow between 2 and 2:10, I'm gonna be with my child and not do anything else. And stand there and, like, build on it and see how that feels for you and, then kind of see, like, where which moments in the day could I really like? For example, when they wake up in the morning, it's really nice to connect then or before they go to bed. So maybe instead of reading 1 story, I could read 2 stories today, or we can do a fun so a little bit of roughhousing before she goes to bed.

Shruti [: 01:12:44

Right? So we can yeah. Like, we can also plan for that and put it on our to do list for the next day. Right? Like, okay. Huddle and read stories today. Yeah. So yes. So it's it's really, like so so, of course, the guilt will come up. And, also, like, maybe for your work, if you are also going from back to back to back.

Shruti [: 01:13:07

Like, sometimes I set alarms and reminders, like, you know, work for 25 minutes, then 5 minutes off. You know? And sometimes I'm like, I'm also ignoring the 5 minutes off because I'm in the middle of it and I wanna get it done with. But then I say that, okay. Now I'm gonna take my break after I finish this email. Right? Like, and also, like, any any intentionality or or or even the conscious parenting work, it really comes with bite sized steps. Like, you cannot solve all your triggers in one day. You cannot start self caring every day, you know, because you heard this on a podcast. It it all sounds great, but it really comes down to intentionality and, like, doing one step at a time and also kind of recognizing success.

Shruti [: 01:13:54

Right? Like, hey. You know what? I didn't spend time with my child yesterday, even though we were together, it didn't feel like we were together. But today, I got in 10 minutes. So celebrate that 10 minutes because it's

Nicole [: 01:14:04

on the to Dallas.

Shruti [: 01:14:05

Yes. So 10 minutes more than this, you know, 0 minutes, which is great. Right? Like, we we can build on this, and I can do this. I had fun those 10 minutes. You know? She giggled so much. It gave me joy. So, yeah, when you name those feelings, it kind of, you know, kind of builds your neural pathways and you're, like, wanting to do more of it. Right? Because when we are with our kids, there's also, like, all those endorphins flowing.

Shruti [: 01:14:30

Right? Having those dance parties. So, when we recognize that, hey. That was actually great and, you know, I could get my kitchen work and I could also dance with my child and it felt good. It helps you create more of those moments. So that is why, like, naming them is is essential. And, you can always, like yes. So So for me, journaling is like something that helps me organize my thoughts and, feelings. So I just do, like, a simple thought, feeling and thought journal.

Shruti [: 01:15:05

Like, okay. Today, this happened, and, you know, this made me feel this way, and maybe I could have done this differently. So that also helps with your awareness and reflection and, you know, helps you become more conscious.

Nicole [: 01:15:19

Yeah. I really like the idea of starting to take inventory of the things that I feel like pulled my attention away just because that's gonna help bring my awareness And create the space to start making different choices. And so when we come back to this idea of, oh, I don't have time. It's actually, no. I'm not making time. That really just puts myself back in the driver's seat if I actually get to choose how I'm spending my time. So Yeah. Those are some great tips.

Nicole [: 01:15:46

Thank you.

Shruti [: 01:15:47

Yep. Because when I reflect, sometimes it feels like, okay. You know what? The 10 minutes that I just sat and watched dreams mindlessly, I could have probably avoided.

Nicole [: 01:15:55

Yeah. Probably.

Shruti [: 01:15:58

Yeah. So so we can, like, do, like, habit stacking. Like, okay. Add a new habit that you can do. Like, if if journaling is something you haven't tried, maybe you can try that, like, and see that if it helps you and it doesn't have to be like a fancy notebook. Sometimes I just do it on my phone. My I think my notes Yeah. Is the most used app on my notebook.

Nicole [: 01:16:18

Yeah. I just I need

Shruti [: 01:16:20

to do this dentist appointment. Like Yeah. Everything Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So, yes, creating margins is is is like a big one as a business mama, especially, because, yes, remember your notebook. If it's if, you know, you've written every page, then there is really very little space to decompress or to take care of your needs.

Shruti [: 01:16:43

And and if you don't take care of your needs, your business will also suffer and so will your parenting.

Nicole [: 01:16:50

Yeah. Yeah. What's your name? Yeah. That really circles back to just how important it is really value yourself, which is really the first thing you brought up in this conversation. So this was awesome. Is there anything else you'd like to touch on?

Shruti [: 01:17:04

I want to give something actionable to all the people who are listening. Like, I think self regulation the most important thing is to kind of understand begin with noticing what's happening for you. So just bring awareness to your week, to your day to start with, to just the 1st 5 hours of the day that, okay. How am I feeling? What am I needing? And, what what triggers me? What helps me calm down. Like, what is my coping mechanism? Because it can look different for everyone. So self regulation is really like a very individualistic, you know, a thing, and it's it's like everyone has a different process. Right? Some people do deep breaths, and some people cannot breathe when they are so triggered. So so it looks very different.

Shruti [: 01:17:50

And if you just go on the Internet, you'll find a 1,000 coping skills, and you can just try. You know what? Today, when I feel I'm gonna try drinking water or run my hands under cold water. So, so really just go with what works for you and identify. Okay. This feels good. When I just did not respond, when I was triggered and washed my hands for 10 seconds, it felt good. So maybe I'm gonna try and practice this. So, you know, really bite sized baby steps towards self regulation and begins with noticing.

Shruti [: 01:18:21

So bringing awareness and identifying whatever we are feeling and needing. Yeah.

Nicole [: 01:18:26

That's what I love all that. And like I said, like, it really is a form of self discovery because it's it's an opportunity to start learning what actually feels good here, what actually brings me pleasure and moments of discomfort because many of us don't know. We don't know, and so the only way to learn is to start playing around and trying things. K. Before you go, I just wanted to Thank you for taking the time to listen to this episode. If you were thinking of anyone while listening, please send it their way. And if anything resonated with you or you love these conversations. Please subscribe and leave a review.

Nicole [: 01:19:03

This really helps the podcast algorithms, put my show in front of more people just like you. And the last thing, I would love nothing more than hearing from you. So say hi. DM me on Instagram, and give me a follow at Nicole Paszvir. Until next time.